The Luckless Army
by Onionbreath002
Summary: Formerly Known as Lyn's Embarrassment. Since everyone liked it, I thought I'd share other embarrassing moments with you guys. Yes...these really did happen, I just embellish.
1. Lyn's Embarrassment

Erk: Charlie has a cold so I'll do all the talking. Basically, he was playing FE one day, and well, while his friends were watching (Chris and Patric…or Link015 and PMOHWinters respectively) one of the most hilarious and embarrassing thing happens. Well, here's his Christmas present to you guys. And he doesn't own FE, or else he'd be too busy counting money to be doing this.

Charlie: -nods-

* * *

The battle was almost finished. Most of the black fang members lay dead in heaps, and Eliwood and his army had but one hero and his two guards to finish off. Since there were only three enemies left, the soldiers of "Eliwood's Elite" decided to take a break, and slack off at the local arena. The men and women took turns going into the arena and defeating enemy after enemy, winning tons of cash at the same time. 

"Hey!" Eliwood said as he emerged victorious for the tenth time in a row. "We get to kill, level up AND get rich! Three-in-one!"

The tactician had to sigh. He disliked the fact that his men were more interested in this "sport" than continuing their quest against the destruction of the planet, but he was getting rich so he didn't complain. Besides, the members of the army had set him up with a crate of whiskey, so he was content, or drunk…or maybe even both.

Their gaming went on for quite a while. The sky was beginning to turn dark already. The hero, Linus, who the army was supposed to kill stood at his spot, seemingly glued to that square foot of grass he was standing on, looked across the field to see his opponents gaming and drinking. Nevertheless, he was getting bored. Unfortunately, for some unexplainable reason, he could not move from his spot, and the "Hurry up and kill me" letters that he sent over and over again to the young lord's army doesn't seem to be working. So, having been left with no choice, he turned to his companions.

"Well, boys, I didn't want to do this…but looks like we'll have to resort to…PLAN X!" He said.

His guards looked at him with expressions of shock and horror.

"No boss! Not…plan X!" they pleaded.

"Yes…plan X… I have no choice." The man replied grimly.

Then, to the shock and horror of his guards, Linus pulled out a pack of cards and uttered, "BS anyone?"

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" his guards shouted, "WE HATE THAT GAME!!!"

"Well too bad! My cards, my map, MY RULES!" He shouted deliriously before dealing out hands to his unwilling compadres.

Meanwhile, back at the arena, the tactician had gotten hopelessly drunk, having downed the entire crate of whiskey, and was now squandering the army's hard earned winnings on impossible bets and more drinks at the bar in the arena. In his drunken state, he had managed to lose over five hundred thousand gold, and reduce Eliwood into a state of tears by betting against him. Yet even with the gross loss of income and his now impossibly high blood alcohol content, the man still downed one drink after another like water.

Members of the army became distressed at the tactician's drunkedness, and considered numerous solutions from "disposing" of him to letting Bartre fight in the arena since the tactician refused to bet on the members of his own army. But with the disagreement and the grossly delayed indignant reaction of Bartre, the army just decided to bear with the tactician until he passed out or died. Secretly, most of the members hoped that he would die. So they continued their arena tourney.

Lady Lyndis was up next. Being one of the fastest and most skilled fighter, Lyn was almost a garuntee to win. With the rest of the army watching, she stepped calmly into the arena and found herself faced with a pirate. She nearly died laughing. What could this pirate ever do to her? Lyn sighed. Her battle was going to be so easy, it wasn't even funny.

The other members of the army must have realized the same thing, because they all groaned and reached for their weapons when their drunk tactician bet all the money they had left plus Sain's horse on the pirate. Needless to say, everyone was infuriated, and Sain was so mad that he told a nearby barmaid to put on some clothes.

Just then, the arena bell rang and the battle began. Lyn drew an iron sword and charged at the pirate. The army had no choice but to look on hopelessly and watch their money flow down the drain. As the battle began, each member developed his or her own plan for brutally killing the tactician, even the shy and taciturn Florina who normally wouldn't hurt a fly. Plots ranged from the simple decapitation to letting Hannah rape the drunk man. Sinister smiles and evil glares began to form on the faces of the army.

But, as the army plotted, the battle below was unfolding quite dramatically. Lyn found the pirate to be weilding an iron axe, which is the lightest and most accurate of all the axes. He was unusually light on his feet, and his fighting style seemed to consist of the seven basic ballet positions.

"What the hell was that?" Lyn shouted in surprised as the man dodged one of her sword strikes with a move that looked suspiciously like a pirouette.

"You like it?" The man asked. "Mom had me take ballet as a kid. Said it would help me with the school sports."

"Oh you gotta be kidding me." Lyn yelled as the man dodged another slash with a ballet move. "Stop dancing and let me kill you already!"

Lyn was getting exasperated; she couldn't believe the fact that a ballet dancing pirate was dodging all her attacks. She shouted obscenities as the pirate dodged one thrust after another with a multitude of leaps and twirls. Finally, with an exasperated cry, Lyn slashed forward with all her might, and was surprised to discover herself shooting halfway across the arena. With a sickening crash, she collided with the circular wall of the arena.

Lyn's collision resonated through the stands, and the plotting members of Eliwood's Elite snapped out of their evil plotting and looked down to see what happened. Instantly, their evil expressions were replaced with shock. Forgetting all their plots and murderous thoughts the army diverted its undivided attention towards the fight.

Lyn picked herself up from the floor of the arena. She turned towards the pirate, scowling. The pirate stood there, smiling, his axe raised, waiting for the girl. Giving one huge shriek, Lyn charged the pirate, holding the iron sword over her head. Lyn never knew what hit her. In one quick graceful movement, the pirate twirled out of the way, and smashed the flat of his axe into Lyn's head. The girl immediately blacked out, the fight was over, Lyn just got owned by a pirate.

Up in the stands, the rest of Eliwood's Elite stood there, staring. Minutes later, when the truth sank in, everyone burst out laughing. People went around and hugged their comrades. Some patted the tactician for his superb gamble, and the girls slapped Sain upside the head. Everyone was happy.

The next day, Lyn's head was bandaged up, but aside from a massive concussion, she was fine. However, he ego and pride had suffered…tremendously. Everywhere in the camp she went, people pointed at her and laughed.

"HAHA!!!" Sain yelled out, "YOU GOT OWNED BY A PIRATE!"

"What's the matter Lyn?" Hector snickered, "I thought you said an axe fighter was in all aspects inferior."

"Hey Lyn, how's it feel to be beat by a ballet dancer?" Matthew choked.

Lyn went around, her face reddened with embarrassment and rage. As she passed each laughing member, she uttered but one phrase.

"…Flux…you…all…"

The tactician woke that morning with a hang-over the size of Mt. Everest. He had no idea what was going on, except that everyone liked him, and for some reason, a weird man walked up to him and gave him a fortune and a strange looking horse with blue hair. All the tactician could do was look around in confusion and wonder what happened the night before. He looked at the money and the horse. Being a tactician, he had no need for a horse, and he was definitely not the army treasurer.

Then, as the answer to all his problems, a barmaid approached him and gave him his bartab from the previous night. Looking at the obscene amout of digits his total had, he decided to give the girl his winnings and promptly handed over the fat bag of gold. The barmaid thanked him and returned to her establishment. As soon as she left, Eliwood bounced over and started spazzing over the horse. Then, mounting the blue haired steed, the young lord suddenly looked different to the tactician. His cape seemed longer and for an unexplainable reason, Eliwood could now suddenly wield a lance as expertly as any lance weilder in the army. Dazed, the tactician decided to let things be and gathered the army for departure.

After finally organizing the army again and quashing the puzzling "Ballet dancer riot" revolving Lyn, the tactician led the group to the three heroes to finally defeat them. Arriving at the site, he was surprised to find the three men playing cards on the ground.

"Hey!" Linus shouted out, a bit unevenly. "Wanna play BS with us? We got scotch!"

The tactician's eyes lit up.

"BS and scotch? Well in the immortal words of Roland the Hero, deal me in!" He said before sitting down with the enemy to play and drink.

Eliwood's unbelievably retarded tactics were the only things that kept the army from decapitating their tactician right then and there, and so the army had no choice, but to sit through what seemed like an endless number of games of BS and an bottemless bottle of scotch.

* * *

Erk: Okay, that as stupid. If you didn't figure it out, Charlie is the tactician, we just don't say his name here. And no, he's not a real alcoholic in real-life. And yes, unfortunately his Lyn did once get her ass kicked in an arena by a pirate in his game. Well, enjoy everyone. Merry Christmas! 


	2. Erk's Traumatizing Adventure

Charlie: Okay…since people liked this idea, and since I have many more incidents where stupid things happened to my characters (Some by chance, some by stupid tacticioning) I'mma continuing this story. Be warned… you WILL see your favorite character severely bashed. Well, now you know. Anyways, everything here is true, just embellished.

Erk: Yes…it's amazing how stupid he can be.

Charlie: Yes…wait…HEY! Okay Erk, since you're so smart, I think I'll start with you!

Erk: Me? HA! What have I ever done that's embarrassing?

Charlie: -whisperwhisperwhisper-

Erk: What? HEY! I thought we agreed never to talk about that.

Charlie: Did I say that? Whoops, oh well, here, for your enjoyment, is Erk's most embarrassing battle.

* * *

The mountains of Bern are truly beautiful, that is if you're not under attack. Unfortunately for our heroic army, they were under attack. After finally dragging their hopelessly drunk tactician away from the BS game and tossing Linus into the lake tied to a rock, the group managed to get themselves lost in the mountains and under attack. Fortunately for them, Lady Louise and Lord Pent had shown up to assist them.

"Lady Pent!" Eliwood exclaimed before falling off his horse. Cursing, he mounted again and continued to greet the famous couple.

"Eliwood!" Pent said. "Well met. But I say, how did you get that horse? It says here in the rules that you cannot get the horse until you use a Heaven Seal."

"It does?" Eliwood's face fell. "Does that mean I broke the rules?"

"Yes Eliwood dear." Louise said. "Now I'm afraid you must have a time out."

Poor Eliwood cried all the way to Merlinus' wagon where he was to sit there and write "I will not break the rules again" fifty times. Meanwhile, Pent gave Hector an Heaven Seal, and told him to use that to get stronger. Hector, being the gentleman that he is, gave the seal to Lyn, adding that she might be able to defend herself against ballet dancing pirates if she used it. Oddly, he said it with and amazingly straight face.

Lyn was furious, but she consented to use the seal. After fusing herself with it, she discovered she could suddenly use bows. Arming an iron bow, she smiled sweetly at Hector, and proceeded to shoot him with a shower of arrows.

The tactician stared at the Lords goofing off and sighed. They were going to be of no use. He made his decision, they were going to hold their ground for eleven turns, then they run, unless the other team runs. After explaining his logic, or lack thereof, to his army, everyone took their positions. The tactician pulled a sage by the name of Erk aside.

"Yo Erk, I need a favor." The tactician said while pulling out a detailed map of the area.

"Huh? Oh sure Sir Tactician, where do you want me to go? …and where did you get that map?" Erk replied.

"Okay, first, you can call me Charlie…like everyone else so you won't sound like a nerd. Second, umm…well, through an asset acquiring method…"

-Flashback-

Charlie: -Sees a young couple taking a tour of the Bern mountains- …hmm… -Puts on a pair of underwear and walks up to the couple- HAND OVER THE MAP AND ALL YOUR BOOZE OR ELSE… uhh….well… OR ELSE!

Couple: EEK, A CIRCUS CLOWN!!! DON'T HURT US MISTER!!! -hands over map and booze-

Charlie: Sweet… -goes off with the map and gets drunk-

-End Flashback-

"Okay…Charlie, so where do you want me to go?" Erk asked

Charlie pointed to a small town located at the base of the mountain range. "Go to that town. Intel says that there's supposed to be someone there who'll give us a hammerne staff."

"Are you sure?" Erk asked skeptically

"Dude, are you questioning my intelligence?" Charlie asked.

"No, I'm questioning the existence of your intelligence." Erk joked.

"Haha, don't quit your day job. Now go or I'm assigning you to Serra…again." Charlie threatened.

"FINE!" Erk grumbled, before grabbing a fire tome and stalking off down the mountain range.

"Hey Erk, make sure that Tome is full! We don't want any bandits to get there and find out that you forgot to take a full tome!" Charlie called out.

"I have eyes, and I'm not stupid like you are! Of course I'm not gonna be dumb enough to take an empty tome!" Erk retorted before dashing off towards the town.

A while later, Erk neared the town, but to his dismay, he saw that a bandit was getting ready to sack the town. He needed to think fast. If he failed this mission, Charlie'll put him with Serra…permanently. Erk shuddered to think about spending the rest of this conflict with that devil of a cleric. So, using all the omf he's got in him. He called out towards the Bandit.

"HEY! BIG FAT UGLY AND STUPID!!! LOOK AT ME!!!" Erk yelled. After getting the bandit's attention, Erk proceeded to make a variety of faces and rude gestures towards him. The bandit was furious and he stalked towards Erk.

"Oh you wanna play little man?" He sneered. Then the bandit put his fingers in his mouth and let out an earsplitting whistle. Soon the entire area was swarmed with the bandit's buddies. Erk looked around and smirked.

"Hah, you think you're all tough? Well, be prepared to eat flames!" With that he took out his fire tome and waited for the gasp of fear. To his surprise, the surrounding bandits not only didn't shudder, but they started laughing. Looking around confused, Erk asked them what was so funny.

"Ahaha…" The lead bandit gasped in between breaths. "And you call yourself a sage? Look at that tome man! It's ready for the recycling center!"

Erk looked down and to his horror, his tome was indeed moldy and rather ripped up. Discovering that it was useless, Erk tossed the thing into the face of the lead bandit and dashed past him towards the town.

The bandit wasn't ready, and when Erk threw the book, he got a mouthful of mold. Going down screaming, the leader told his buddies to go after Erk for him, then he collapsed to the ground, and died…or at least he thought he was dead. The leader would wake hours later…but that's another story.

Erk dashed into the village and right when he entered, a lady handed him a funky looking staff. "Here, use this."

"Cool" Erk said accepting the staff. "Thanks."

As he was getting ready to hide, he was surprised by the fact the the people of the village suddenly picked him up, tossed him out the village, and barred the village gates.

Erk got up and pounded at the gates. "HEY WAIT!! LEMME IN! THE BANDITS ARE GOING TO BEAT ME UP!" He yelled desperatly.

"Right." The villagers yelled back. "And let them hold a grudge against us? No way. You're on your own loser."

Erk's face fell. He turned around and found himself surrounded by bandits.

"Okay buddy, payback for killing our leader!" one man said.

"He's not dead! That was just mold!" Erk said, hoping to get away.

"Really? So he's not dead? HOORAY!" The bandits cheered.

"Cool…so does that mean you're not gonna kill me?" Erk asked hopefully.

"Hell no, beating up poor defenseless saps like you is a hobby!" the bandits yelled before swarming poor Erk.

The villagers watching from behind the gates could do nothing but shield their eyes at the carnage and the indecency.

Hours later, Erk returned to camp. He found Charlie, and amazingly, he found Charlie sober. When Charlie saw Erk trudge into camp beat up and dishevealed, he immediately called for Priscilla to heal him. After the troubadour fixed him up, Erk approached Charlie.

"Dude…next time, do your own dirty work!" Erk screamed. "LOOK AT MY NEW CLOTHES!!!"

"…did you get the staff?" Charlie asked, ignoring him.

"Huh? Oh yeah." Erk said pulling it out of his rags.

"Oh, then alls good." Charlie said cheerfully pulling out a new set of robes for Erk.

Just then Erk tripped over a hidden rock, fell over and the hammerne staff snapped in two. Erk looked up from the dust to see the staff snapped in two and gulped. Slowly, he raised his head to meet Charlie's eyes…the eyes of a person in a fit of psychotic rage.

"Umm…whoops?" Erk said sheepishly.

"Heh…" Charlie said deranged, "WHOOPS IS RIGHT!"

The tactician pulled out a sword and charged the Sage. "WHOOPS! I'M GONNA ACCIDENTALLY SHOVE THIS UP YOUR BUTT!!" He screamed.

Erk got up and threw away the broken pieces of the staff.

"Exit…stage right." He said, doing his bad impression of Snagglepuss before running away from a demonicly mad tactician.

Charlie chased Erk halfway across the camp before Erk began to tire out.

"…Legs…getting…sore… body…out…of shape… shouldn't…have…had…that…extra…brownie…" He panted. 'Shit…I need to distract him…but… how?' He brainstormed, until a idea finally came to mind. Taking a right, he approached Charlie's tent and grabbed a bottle of Charlie's prized scotch. Approaching a pile of rocks, Erk turned and held the scotch dangerously close to the rocks.

"Go away…or the scotch gets it."

Charlie stopped, wimpering. "No, I'll do anything! Just don't hurt the scotch!!!"

Cautiously, Erk handed over the scotch to Charlie, and ran full speed towards his tent. Behind him, he could've sworn he heard the tactician say "Aww, did the bad man hurt you baby?" to his scotch…but he decided that some things were best left alone. Quickly, he ducked into the tent and collapsed onto the bed.

The next day Erk woke to the face of a certain pink haired devil.

"HOLY SHIT! SERRA! GET OUTTA MY TENT!"

"Heya Erky!" Serra squealed. "Charlie just assigned me to you! He said I'm not to leave you sight ever! That means we get to share a tent together! ISN'T THAT GREAT ERKY?!"

Erk went into shock. Behind Serra, he could see the tactician walk by with his scotch and his stupid smirk.

"…you'll pay for this Charlie…YOU'LL PAY!!!"

Outside Charlie took a swig of his scotch. "…Payback…" he muttered before heading off to explore new heights in blood alcohol levels.

* * *

Erk: …I bloody hate you.

Charlie: and I love you too Erky.

Erk: Why must you torment me?

Charlie: Because I can

Erk: …but SERRA?!

Charlie: Hey, 14 games…14 Serra/Erk endings. You know I can't live without them.

Erk: …eff…you…

Charlie Thank you. Well, That wasn't as embarrassing as Lyn, but still…my Erk did get beat up by a bunch of bandits (What's with Bandits and beating up my characters?) because his fire tome ran out. Stupid Erk. Oh well, enjoy. And Merry Christmas Y'all.


End file.
